been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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