i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
only you would photoshop your dick
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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