My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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