I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize