he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
