He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
