im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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