his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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