I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
