I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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