"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
