I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
