Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
