hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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