Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sober January is a disaster.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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