I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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