After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
