Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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