i jhust puked up my retainher.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
