There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never let your siblings swipe right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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