and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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