as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
