cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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