It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
