Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
