So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
