A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
