you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
