This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Someone signed my nipple.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
