i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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