I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
