Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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