I could make wine with my vomit
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize