Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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