I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
