Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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