I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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