Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
