found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
