Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
