Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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