I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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