well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
