Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
