i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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