I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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