The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
