Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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