i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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