dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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