went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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