what day is it and did you see me today?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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