My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Green mimosas i think yes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
