I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
