how can u be prego again
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
3 2 1 whiskey
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
