Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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