Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
another moral hangover. fuck.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you will always have a special place in my vag
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
