You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
