time to smoke my breakfast
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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