I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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